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Her Journey: Embracing A Non-Sexual Identity

Sarah, 37: “I’ve not once loved sex. As a child, I thought flawed since society praised it highly.”

The only topic that her partner and I have ever clashed over is intimacy in our relationship. After meeting nine years ago, sex was certainly something he sought more often than I wanted. Following six months of being together, we decided to pursue a non-monogamous setup so that Cameron could connect with partners who are more sexual than me.

Initially, there were moments of insecurity in the beginning, but our connection was reinforced thanks to honest talks, and I came to feel very confident in our love. This has been a positive change for us, since I’ve never truly enjoyed sex. In my younger years, I felt broken because others emphasized its importance, but I never really comprehended what was so great about it.

After discovering literature on asexuality online recently, it was an eye-opener. I felt surprised, as previously I identified as a sexual person – I like to masturbate, and I experienced a fair amount of sex when I was younger. But I believe I had those encounters since I had lingering guilt – a remnant of growing up in a world that implies you have to meet others’ expectations.

The resource taught me was that asexuality is a wide range. For example, I experience no urge, including towards individuals who I find very aesthetically pleasing. I enjoy their beauty, but I have no desire to engage sexually with them. But I appreciate experiencing release. To me, it’s pleasurable and it’s a nice release – a way to clear out all the thoughts in my head.

It was very freeing to share with Cameron that asexuality describes me. He accepts it. We sometimes have sex, as I sense intense intimacy and bonding with him when we do, and I am making the conscious decision when I desire to connect with him through that act. It isn’t that I have a sexual desire, but I have alternative purposes to have sex, such as wanting to be close. I notice how much he enjoys it, and that makes me happy. Likewise that an individual who is allosexual can opt to refrain from sex, I can decide to be physical for other reasons than sexual excitement.

His Viewpoint: Romance Outside of Physical Intimacy

Cameron, 36: “Just because sex isn’t a priority does not imply that love is absent.”

Sex used to be a high priority to me. It was the source from which I got a lot of my self-esteem. I was unwell and in the hospital often in my youth, so intimacy evolved into something that I felt offered mastery over my body. It then shift significantly after meeting my partner, since sex was no longer the most important thing between us.

With Sarah, I began seeing greater worth in alternative areas of who I am, and it reduced the importance of sex. I do not wish to be intimate outside our relationship now either. Whenever I experience like having sex, there are different approaches to address it. Solo sex is one, but it might involve taking a hike, considering my thoughts or watercolour painting.

Upon her discovery of her asexuality, I began to realise that attraction is focused on shared feelings. This can occur via physical intimacy, but also through other methods that are similarly important and satisfying. I once had a set understanding of this identity – without sexual activity, you never feel arousal. But it’s a spectrum, and it takes time to figure out your position along it.

We’ve been together for nine years, and simply because intimacy isn’t a priority is not a sign that love is lacking. Planning intentional periods for that is really essential for both of us. Occasionally we work on complex building kits and do them in small portions daily, which seems deeply bonding. Alternatively we plan an evening out and go out for a mocktail and a pizza. We embrace and discuss futures for the future, which is a form of care. I get a lot of pleasure from preparing meals for others, and it leaves me deeply fulfilled like an post-intimacy feeling.

Sarah’s asexuality has broadened the idea of our partnership. It’s like reducing the resources available to you for your relationship – you must think innovatively with what you have. It pushes you to consider from new angles. But it did not lessen the love that I had for my partner at all.